When an email brings you to tears

As soon as I hit the send button, it was all over.

For weeks I put off what I knew was inevitable, but yet I still clung to the last strand of the life we had built together. A life we have been building for much longer than the three years we've been doing foster care.

For almost six years my husband and I have been trying to build our family. It was a dream I've had on my heart and in my mind literally every day of my life for as long as I can remember.  I always knew that one day I would go to college. I always knew that I would get married, but those weren't my dreams. I didn't dream of what my dress would look like on my wedding day, but instead I drempt of what I would dress my baby in as I left the hospital. I imagined life as a mom and everything that entailed.

When we found out that we had almost 1% chance of conceiving and having a healthy pregnancy, my momma heart--the one that only grew with age, shattered. The pain of knowing that my dreams would never come true gutted me to the core. It changed me. I lost a part of myself during the first 3 years of infertility that I still wonder if I'll ever get back. Three and a half years into our infertility journey we started our foster care journey. It was the last and only chance we had of being parents.  I openly admit that we went into foster care to grow our family, but in the process, my heart changed. It was a year into foster care, during a phone call telling me a previous placement of ours was returning to care, that I was reminded of a little girl. I was rwminded of the little lonely girl that just wanted to feel loved by those around her. The girl that would do anything in the world for you because she just wanted a friend. I was reminded of the little girl that just wanted someone to fight for her and believe in her. That little girl was me. It was then that I began to see every child through the eyes of the younger version of myself. I was no longer just trying to make my dream of being a mommy come true, I was fulfilling a promise I made to myself so many years ago. I told myself that when I was old enough to do something, I was going to make sure that the children I come in contact with knew that they were loved. I was going to fight for them because someone has to. Kids deserve someone to fight for them, always. Foster care was my way of fighting for justice.

So today when I hit "send" on the email, I felt everything I had been working so hard for instantly disappear. The pain I carried as a child, into my teen years and even into adulthood came crashing down over me and all I could do was weep. In that moment all I could feel was the pain I once felt as that lonely little girl.

Today, after 3 years and five adoptions, we sent an email stating that we are closing our foster care license.

 Many will think I'm selfish for wanting more children or for even having five kids in the first place, but those thoughts are genuinely misplaced.

All five of my kids know that they are loved and adored. They were wanted and prayed for LONG before I was even close to being ready to be a mom. They now have a mom that will fight for them all the way through the end of her final breath, but what about the others? What about the kids, just like mine, that are still in the foster system? What about the ones that will enter into care because of someone else's poor decision which were no fault of their own? Who will fight for them?

These are the questions and the burdens I carry. I feel helpless.  I feel like I am letting myself and others down. Someone, please tell me, WHO IS GOING TO STAND UP FOR THESE INNOCENT CHILDREN?!?!

If you read any of this, please read what I'm about to say.

Somewhere out there are children who are hurting. There are kids who have bruises you can physically see and one's that are hidden inside from condemning words and extreme neglect. These children need someone to love them. They need someone to fight for them. With the closing of our license I no longer have the power to fight for these children except through advocacy. As I lay down this journey of growing my family and fighting for justice, I ask you this again; WHO IS GOING TO STEP UP AND FIGHT FOR THESE CHILDREN?!?!

PLEASE step out of your comfort zone and take care of the children who need you. They're out there waiting for someone to show them what real love feels like. Don't waste anymore time. Don't tell me you'll get too attached because, DUH! OF COURSE YOU WILL!

Stop making excuses, and just do it.

Go change a life or two, or five, but be prepared...in the process they'll change yours, too!

-Alicia

Adoption Day

I've mentioned that I am an adoptive mom of five little ones, so without waiting any longer it's my honor to tell you about our latest adoption.

After spending 1221 days in state custody, on December 18, 2015, my husband and I adopted our daughters Justina and Vanessa from the foster system.

 The girls came to us a little over one year ago as an adoptive placement. The case goal had changed to adoption while they were in their previous placement, so all of the hard parts of foster care were taken care of before they came to live with us. We just had to wait out the time it took to file for termination of parental rights and for the adoption hearing.

We were their third placement after a failed reunification and a disrupted pre-adoptive placement. The girls went through a lot during the three and a half years they spent in care, but thankfully that part of their life is over, and they can begin the healing process.

On their big day, we had to wake up at 5 A.M. to get ready. We had to leave our house by 6:45 in order to make sure we made the hour long trip to the courthouse safely with time to spare.

My parents drove into town from Arkansas, and our church's amazing children's pastor drove down to be with us as well. We were surrounded by the people we love and cherish us.

There were six families and eight children being adopted that day. We were all told to be there at 8:30, but the judge didn't even start calling for the adoptions until almost 9:45. Once they started the hearings, everything moved smoothly. Our family's adoption ended up being the next to last on the docket that day, so we had plenty of time for the kids to run around and "play." The kid's bio grandma came prepared, and she brought crayons and huge coloring books for them to keep themselves busy with. 

My mom took pictures of the kids while we were waiting to be called into court. She posed them next to the Christmas tree. 

Once we were summoned into court, we were in there a total of maybe ten minutes, and it was over. The girls were announced with their new names, and in that moment we were a forever family.  

After the adoption was complete, we exited the courthouse as one big forever family.

 While outside, my parents handed me a gift. Inside was a Christmas ornament with our names on it.

 I couldn't believe it! I had been looking for this specific ornament for months, but I could only find them with enough spaces for four or less kids. 

We left the courthouse and went out to eat with my wonderful Mother in Law and my parents at a local BBQ place. We ate and talked until it was time for all of us to head back home. 

Their adoption, just like my other three children's adoptions, will be a day I never forget. Parents that give birth will always remember the day their child came into the world and entered their family, and the same goes with us and the days we adopted our children into our family, forever. 

I'll leave you with the picture of Justina and Vanessa's adoption shirts. It couldn't have been more fitting than to wear it on that day. "Nothing is more precious than family." 

-Alicia

The Scariest Night of My Life

The other night, December 26, 2015, I experienced one of the scariest moments of my life.

My husband and I, along with our kids, were on the way home from our last family Christmas (in the rain) when we had to make a big detour due to high water.  After going around town to avoid the high water/low road areas, we finally turned on to our street, and out of nowhere we hit a huge flooded area. The van shut down, and water started to rise inside the van. I knew we needed to get the kids out, so we scrambled to unbuckle them and I started yelling as loud as I could for help. By that point, the water was up above my knees a few inches.

This pic was taken as a screenshot from a video I made as lighting lit up the sky.

After screaming for what seemed like forever, but in reality was probably only one minute, the neighbors heard me and came running to help us. They each grabbed a screaming/crying kid and got them out of the water. They led us into their house to dry off and warm up where they gave our kids drinks and bananas to calm them down.

By the grace of God we eventually made it home safe and completely unharmed. Our van on the otherhand is d-e-a-d. I know so many people will probably blame me for driving into the fooded area, but before you judge me please let me explain.

The defrost on our van has not been working properly, so luke and I continuously wiped the windshield as I was driving just so I could see the road to get us home. I had literally just said, "good, we are on our street, we made it ok" when we hit the water. We didnt even see the flood water because the window was so fogged. Had I been able to see what I was about to drive into, I never would have attempted to drive down the road, and I never would have willingly put my family in danger.

After we arrived home, I started getting the kids into dry clothes and they started talking and processing outloud what had just happened. My oldest daughter and my son began to tell me that while I was trying to make sure everyone was unbuckled and I was yelling for help, I began to scream "Jesus! Please help us. Jesus!" I dont remember crying out for Him, but I believe my children when they say I did. They told me it was right before the neighbors heard my screams and came running out to help us. My oldest daughter said, "mom, Jesus saved us because you called for Him."

As I think about what happened, I am remind of the lyrics from the song, "Just say Jesus" by 7eventh Time Down. Part of the lyrics say, "Whisper it now, or shout it out
However it comes out, He hears your cry
Out of nowhere He will come
You gotta believe it
He will rescue you
Just call out to the way, the truth, the life

When you don't know what to say
Just say Jesus
There is power in the name
The name of Jesus
If the words won't come cause you're too afraid to pray
There is just one name, strong enough to save
There is just one name
There is just one name
Jesus"   

I can't help but give credit where it is due. The fact that we were able to get out of our van with all five kids and zero injuries tells me that God protected us. I truly believe that when I called on His name, He rescued us by sending help. Our neighbors told us that had one of them not walked in their bathroom at that exact moment, they never would have heard me screaming. There is no way that is a coincidence. It's a divine intervention. How profound that when we call on Him, He LITERALLY saves us.

I will forever be grateful for the protecting hand of God on our lives and the kindness of strangers. I'm feeling extra blessed this holiday season.

-Alicia

All the feels

I've laughed. I've cried. I've been silent, but tonight I finally broke.

My life the past few years has been a series of rollercoaster twists and turns, hills and drops. Just when things seem like they're going up, they plateau, and that I can handle. It's when life is standing still, platued, and I think that I'm finally figuring out what's coming next, I take a 90 foot drop then an immediate curve to the right. This sequence happens over and over again, but the ride never stops. 

At this point in my life, the rollercoaster is not life events, instead it's my emotions. Those gosh darn hormones have me all cray cray these days, and let me tell you, cray doesn't look good on anyone, especially me. 

I wish I could tell you exactly how I feel and why, but the truth is, I can't pinpoint exactly which reaction goes with what feeling. For example, tonight I lost it over a drill set. A. DRILL. SET! Ridiculous, right?! Well, i immediately got defensive and mouthy, (and I shed quite a few tears) but inside i was hurting.  I wasn't hurting because of the drill set being returned, but instead for the month and a half I've lost sleep, worried, and held in my feelings and every emotion possible. The drill set was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

There have been a lot of changes for my family this year. We've gone from foster parents of three kiddos to five, then to adoptive parents of 5 all within one year. Now that all of our children are legally ours, I am left wondering, "what's next?"

I'm not sure what the next part of my life holds, but I wish I did. I wish I had the answers to all of my questions, but for right now I am trying to take it one day at a time. Anymore than that, and we just might have another drill set meltdown like tonight. And I promise, it wasn't pretty.

Hello, world. It's me again.

Hello!

If you've stumbled on my blog, I want to welcome you. Please, grab a coffee (or sweet tea if you're anything like me), and join me as I begin this new blog. 

As time goes on, I'll share more about myself and my family, but in a nutshell I am a Midwestern girl on a journey through life's newest adventure--wherever that takes me. With 5 kids and a husband, my life is nothing short of busy and chaotic, but I find solace in blogging. Once upon a time, I had another blog that helped me work my way through my infertility diagnosis and our decision to pursue adoption through the foster system. It is my hope that this blog serves as a place of refuge for me as I work through life after foster care/adoption and as I navigate life as a mother of five spirited little ones. 

I cant promise that I will always have it all together (Lord knows that's pretty impossible for me these days), but I promise to bring content that is honest and real. Afterall, living life in truth is best even when we are falling apart.  

I hope that you join me as I navigate through this new journey.  If you have a blog, too, please comment below and leave me your link. I'd love to connect with you!  

Until next time,
-Alicia