For weeks I put off what I knew was inevitable, but yet I still clung to the last strand of the life we had built together. A life we have been building for much longer than the three years we've been doing foster care.
For almost six years my husband and I have been trying to build our family. It was a dream I've had on my heart and in my mind literally every day of my life for as long as I can remember. I always knew that one day I would go to college. I always knew that I would get married, but those weren't my dreams. I didn't dream of what my dress would look like on my wedding day, but instead I drempt of what I would dress my baby in as I left the hospital. I imagined life as a mom and everything that entailed.
When we found out that we had almost 1% chance of conceiving and having a healthy pregnancy, my momma heart--the one that only grew with age, shattered. The pain of knowing that my dreams would never come true gutted me to the core. It changed me. I lost a part of myself during the first 3 years of infertility that I still wonder if I'll ever get back. Three and a half years into our infertility journey we started our foster care journey. It was the last and only chance we had of being parents. I openly admit that we went into foster care to grow our family, but in the process, my heart changed. It was a year into foster care, during a phone call telling me a previous placement of ours was returning to care, that I was reminded of a little girl. I was rwminded of the little lonely girl that just wanted to feel loved by those around her. The girl that would do anything in the world for you because she just wanted a friend. I was reminded of the little girl that just wanted someone to fight for her and believe in her. That little girl was me. It was then that I began to see every child through the eyes of the younger version of myself. I was no longer just trying to make my dream of being a mommy come true, I was fulfilling a promise I made to myself so many years ago. I told myself that when I was old enough to do something, I was going to make sure that the children I come in contact with knew that they were loved. I was going to fight for them because someone has to. Kids deserve someone to fight for them, always. Foster care was my way of fighting for justice.
So today when I hit "send" on the email, I felt everything I had been working so hard for instantly disappear. The pain I carried as a child, into my teen years and even into adulthood came crashing down over me and all I could do was weep. In that moment all I could feel was the pain I once felt as that lonely little girl.
Today, after 3 years and five adoptions, we sent an email stating that we are closing our foster care license.
Many will think I'm selfish for wanting more children or for even having five kids in the first place, but those thoughts are genuinely misplaced.
All five of my kids know that they are loved and adored. They were wanted and prayed for LONG before I was even close to being ready to be a mom. They now have a mom that will fight for them all the way through the end of her final breath, but what about the others? What about the kids, just like mine, that are still in the foster system? What about the ones that will enter into care because of someone else's poor decision which were no fault of their own? Who will fight for them?
These are the questions and the burdens I carry. I feel helpless. I feel like I am letting myself and others down. Someone, please tell me, WHO IS GOING TO STAND UP FOR THESE INNOCENT CHILDREN?!?!
If you read any of this, please read what I'm about to say.
Somewhere out there are children who are hurting. There are kids who have bruises you can physically see and one's that are hidden inside from condemning words and extreme neglect. These children need someone to love them. They need someone to fight for them. With the closing of our license I no longer have the power to fight for these children except through advocacy. As I lay down this journey of growing my family and fighting for justice, I ask you this again; WHO IS GOING TO STEP UP AND FIGHT FOR THESE CHILDREN?!?!
PLEASE step out of your comfort zone and take care of the children who need you. They're out there waiting for someone to show them what real love feels like. Don't waste anymore time. Don't tell me you'll get too attached because, DUH! OF COURSE YOU WILL!
Stop making excuses, and just do it.
Go change a life or two, or five, but be prepared...in the process they'll change yours, too!
-Alicia
