All the feels

I've laughed. I've cried. I've been silent, but tonight I finally broke.

My life the past few years has been a series of rollercoaster twists and turns, hills and drops. Just when things seem like they're going up, they plateau, and that I can handle. It's when life is standing still, platued, and I think that I'm finally figuring out what's coming next, I take a 90 foot drop then an immediate curve to the right. This sequence happens over and over again, but the ride never stops. 

At this point in my life, the rollercoaster is not life events, instead it's my emotions. Those gosh darn hormones have me all cray cray these days, and let me tell you, cray doesn't look good on anyone, especially me. 

I wish I could tell you exactly how I feel and why, but the truth is, I can't pinpoint exactly which reaction goes with what feeling. For example, tonight I lost it over a drill set. A. DRILL. SET! Ridiculous, right?! Well, i immediately got defensive and mouthy, (and I shed quite a few tears) but inside i was hurting.  I wasn't hurting because of the drill set being returned, but instead for the month and a half I've lost sleep, worried, and held in my feelings and every emotion possible. The drill set was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

There have been a lot of changes for my family this year. We've gone from foster parents of three kiddos to five, then to adoptive parents of 5 all within one year. Now that all of our children are legally ours, I am left wondering, "what's next?"

I'm not sure what the next part of my life holds, but I wish I did. I wish I had the answers to all of my questions, but for right now I am trying to take it one day at a time. Anymore than that, and we just might have another drill set meltdown like tonight. And I promise, it wasn't pretty.